


Soliloquy

by angeleledhwen (kallistei), eledhwen (kallistei)



Series: Sins of the Mother [4]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-12-20
Updated: 2002-12-21
Packaged: 2018-02-06 15:03:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1862214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kallistei/pseuds/angeleledhwen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/kallistei/pseuds/eledhwen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thoughts and responses. AU sequel to 'Out of Bounds'.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Wrong

I can’t help dreaming of you, did you know that? (Would you care, if you knew? Do you care about me? Even a little. A little would be enough. More than enough.)

Dream of you touching me, holding me, loving me. (Hold me touch me soothe me love me.) Dream of you denying, lying, crying. (Lie to me. Don’t lie to me. Where is the lie? Do you cry?)

I try, god only knows how hard I try, yet you won’t leave me alone, even when you’re nowhere nearby. But anyway you’re always there. You’re everywhere, the thought of you haunts me. Your image lives behind my eyelids like a lightning strike, your just-kissed face (I kissed you) the most memorable thing I’ve ever seen. Why won’t you leave me alone?

I think I could find you anywhere. The slide of shadow against a wall, I’m sure, is concealing your presence. The prickle on the back of my neck is your eyes on me. (Your eyes like wounds when you tear away.) Last year it was. Now, I don’t know. Is it? (I want it. Want you.)

And in this school (island, isolated) it’s impossible to avoid you, even if I wanted to. Do I want to? You don’t seem to be going out of your way to avoid me either, and you could so easily. Do you really have that little conscience, that knowing that you hurt me (hurt me so much), you don’t care? I don’t think you do, but maybe I’m lying to myself. Maybe I’ve been lying to myself all along. (It’s all lies, anyway. Love, lie, the words are so close. Too close to me.) Or maybe you want to see me. (Want you to.) Maybe you’re allowing yourself a little of something that pleases you? Something that suddenly you find you can’t do without. (Do without me.)

I’m being stupid, I know it. You don’t love me, (don’t even care) you made that so very clear. You loved her, and if I let you, you might just consent to use me as a replacement. I could be a replacement for my own fucking mother. (Swear, it’s the only way to express my sheer frustration, anger, pain). But I don’t want that. Not at all, not in any way, not even if that’s the only possible way I could have you. I just want you to love me. Love me? Would you love me if I begged?

I’m in love with the man who was my mother’s lover. It’s… sick. (Sick, perfect, same difference in the end. Insane.) It would be easier to be insane.

I can’t believe that I dared to hit you. You’re a teacher (my teacher, you taught me), so much older. You were my friend (I didn’t know for long), I thought, but I was just so enraged. I walked out, I managed to do that (walk away from you, keep me sane). The day after, there was no mark on your face or, it seemed, your soul, you locked me out completely though. I didn’t feel anything. (Could I feel anything from you, for you?) That was enough answer. I hope I hurt you. I hope I hate you. (Can I hate you?)

I was right to hate you. I hated you for so long.

No I didn’t. I told you that, and it was the truth. Did you believe me? (Can you believe me?) No matter. Whatever you believed, you had no compunction about hurting me anyway. I didn’t understand you at first, then I thought I did. (I did.) I think I never truly understood you at all. I never knew you, not even with the bond. I was stupid, to think that I could love you. I knew it would never turn out well. (Never knew, dared to dream. Don’t dare to dream.)

Do you have any idea how much it hurt me? My first real kiss – I kissed the man I love (I love you I love you, say it so hard so often you believe it true) – and then you call me by my mother’s name. Which was the lie? That you’re not still in love with her, or that you still think of her? Think of her so much, so hard that you call me by her name. Or maybe that you don’t love me?

No. I can’t let myself believe that. I will not allow you that victory. (Would it be a victory for you?)

It’s not ‘simply’ a crush, (nothing simple about you and me) I know that for sure. You wouldn’t believe that though. (Believe me.) Self-deprecation or stubbornness or something else? Why do I love you? (Do I love you?)

You’re not beautiful at all, (so wonderful) not even the slightest bit handsome. (Not even love can make you handsome.) By all rights you should be ugly, repulsive even. But you’re not. Not at all. (I wish you were, you never make anything easy on me. Bastard.) You’re… compelling. Magnetic. Unique. (Curse you, praise you, worship my dark cult of you.)

So damn perfect in your imperfection, in your pretended viciousness and all too real cruelty. (Cruel to me.)

You’re cruel. (Cruel to be kind?)

You’re a great actor. You fool Voldemort, (god, I hope you do manage that – I couldn’t deal with it if he was just pretending to be fooled, if he knew and if he plans something so bad for you) I’m certain you could fool me. But I won’t delude myself by allowing myself to believe that. I shouldn’t hope. But I do. (Always hope, it’s what I am.)

Were you lying when you said that? (Hope.) Were you searching for the one thing that would drive me away? (Dream.) Would you tell me the truth if I asked? (Do you still know how to tell the truth? Do you know what the word means?)

This is truth. (I love you.) My truth. (Deluded, true).

Were you trying to protect me? Are you still? Is that why you won’t… can’t… love me? (Would you like to love me, if you could dare to let yourself, if you could give up so much control?)

Is that the reason why you didn’t even seem concerned when I left?

I know what I felt, in that instant. I felt you. (Only you, always you.) For that moment, you know, (you know it know me) I was grateful to her, for giving us that so I could know you that way. (The only way that matters). The contact or the feelings or something, it made us – us, not just you and me (I remember when you made that distinction, so long ago it seems) – so special for that second. And you broke it, without even trying. (Or were you trying?) We could have kept that forever, content, or taken it even further. (What am I stepping around? You don’t want me, not me. Her. Can I hate her, my mother?) You didn’t even want to try. Why?

Am I still lying to myself? Do I really love you? Is it possible to love – to be in love with – someone who you couldn’t stand for five years, who you’ve only just begun to know? (Love you.) Someone who’s barely even a friend.

I thought you were my friend.

Maybe I was wrong. (Was I wrong?) So unbelievably wrong.

Walk away, forget this (forget you), build my life. (I can do that. Can I do that?)

I’m wrong. You’re wrong.  _We’re_  wrong.

(Right).


	2. Right

I can hear you, did you know that? (Hear you in my heart. My conscience?)

I should not do this. (Never this, not you.) It’s wrong, to invade your privacy like this, when I value mine so much, when you were good enough to let me keep it safe (as much as I could, with you). But I had to know. I opened up, and you had no shield. (It was a sign. Ridiculous. Don’t believe in signs.) Did you know it was down? Did you simply think that there was no need, that I could not possibly want to know you any longer?

(I want to know you, inside and out.)

Control. I have control. I admit I want, (impossible not to) but I don’t need. (Don’t need you.) I can do without this. I can do without you. I’ve done it before, (done it with her, so like you) I can do it again. You’re strong, you can do it too. Do so much better than me.

I can hear you. I will not answer (would if I could). Forgive me? (Don’t deserve that, you, this.)

// _I can’t help dreaming of you, did you know that?_ // I know. (I can see your dreams. See your soul. See you, in my soul.)

// _Would you care, if you knew? Do you care about me?_ // I care. I care too much. I’m not safe, not right, not good. (Never was, never will be, never can.) I know, I care. I will not do. (Not do what I want, you want.)

// _Hold me touch me soothe me love_ _me._ // No. I won’t. (I want. It’s all I want. You.)

// _Lie to me._  // I will. I have. Whatever’s good, (not good) whatever’s right. What will save you. (Let me save you, save you from me.)

// _Do you cry?_ // Don’t. Won’t. Can’t let myself cry for you, cry for what’s right, crying over spilled milk. (Deny you, lie to you, save you from crying.)

// _Is it?_ // It’s me. There, behind you, watching you, protecting you. (Loving you.) It’s all I can do. All I can give you. (Only gift you’ll ever get from me.) Understand? (Please understand.)

// _Maybe you’re allowing yourself a little of something that pleases you?_ // Too insightful, too deluded. (Mine.) Don’t let yourself see that. (You know me too well.) Don’t understand me. Dangerous. Understand that I’m weak. I let myself have this, convince myself. (Convince you, I need to.)

// _Something that suddenly you find you can’t do without._ // I can’t do without you, not be whole and hearted alone. (So hard to find, to accept.) I will, though. Who needs a heart? Let it shatter, let it snap, leave me cold and black and ashes once more. (My Harry, even in ruin you’d be beautiful, let me break you, show you. It’s for your good.)

// _No._ // (Yes.) Deny it, hide it. (Hide myself from you, you from me. Safe.)

// _You might just consent to use me as a replacement._ // (You.) The thought makes me laugh. You could never be just a replacement. It heartens me, though, that I can make you believe. (Believe that, maybe it will save you. Need to save you.) Not lost your edge, have you Severus? Not lost the agony and the memory and skill. (Too damn good at being bad. Hateful, hurtful. That’s me.)

// _I just want you to love me. Love me? Would you love me if I begged?_ // I wouldn’t, I couldn’t, I won’t. (Love you too much already.) Don’t beg, (it might break me if you begged) you’re more wondrous this way. (Wondrous any way. I’d love you anyway.)

// _It’s…sick._ // Yes. Sick, insane. (Anything so that you can be free. Free from me. Free me from you.) This is crazy (crazy for you).

// _I hope I hurt you._ // Hurt me so much. (I hurt you.) Less than I deserve. (Don’t deserve this.)

// _Can I hate you?_ // Hate me. (Please don’t hate me, I couldn’t bear it if you did.) That’s why I’m doing this after all. Drive you away, keep you (me, us) safe. You’re in danger when you’re in love. (Always in danger, keep you safe. Keep you close and secure and mine, always mine. Never.) Learn the lesson I did. (Learn from my mistake. New dog, old tricks.)

// _Did you believe me?_ // Don’t make me laugh. (You made me laugh, first time, forever.) Of course you hated me, (how could you not?) perhaps you believed that you didn’t. (Don’t make me laugh, too easy to love.) Maybe that could make me happy. (Don’t deserve that. Not made to be happy. Don’t deserve you.)                                                                                                  

// _I think I never truly understood you at all._ // (All too well.) I was not made to be understood. (Arrogance.)

// _Which was the lie?_ // Silly boy, I am the lie. I know nothing but lies. Truth is too good for me. (Not good enough for you.)

// _Or maybe that you don’t love me?_ // Don’t see it. (I love you.) Take my lie as truth and make it yours. (Always yours, hers, yours.)

// _Would it be a victory for you?_ // My victory, your safety. (Do you see?)

// _nothing simple about you and me_ // True, too true. (Why can’t you ever be simple, be easy, be ordinary?)

// _Do I love you?_ // Surely not. (Surely do.)

// _Not even love can make you handsome._ // See? I’m no good. (Not good enough for you.) See that, start there. See me, damaged, ugly, unworthy. (She didn’t want me, why should you?)

// _Not at all._ // Liar. (Lie to me.) I’ll teach you to lie so well. (My example, show you a lie that’s true.)

// _Cruel to be kind?_ // Always, only way. (My cruelty is my kindness.)

// _Were you searching for the one thing that would drive me away?_ // Yes. Did I? (Could I would I should I why?)

// _Do you know what the word means?_ // She was my truth. You are my truth. (All that matters).

// _I love you._ // Don’t say that (not to me). Don’t even think it. (He might hear.) Save it for someone else. (Someone beautiful.)

// _Were you trying to protect me?_ // (Always.) What else would I do, could I do? (Save you, protect you, hold you, never love you. Too late.)

// _Would you like to love me_?// Why ask? You know the answer. Never, forever. (I love you.)

// _Or were you trying?_ // I was trying. Trying so hard (to keep you safe). What else am I here for, trying for, loving for?

// _You didn’t even want to try._ // I wanted. (No need to try, I know. Too far in already to try.) I’m too good a liar, my Harry. I lie to him, and to you and to me. I’ll twist and turn and writhe. Mangle the truth (my true skill) until everything but you is the lie. (My truth.)

// _Am I still lying to myself?_ // Lie to myself (good practice) so I can lie to you so true. Convince yourself. (What you believe is true.)

// _Do_   _I really love you?_ // Of course not. You, love me? Laughable. I laugh. (You made me laugh again.)

// _Was I wrong?_ // Wrong to try (wrong to cry). Wrong to love me. You can make it right. Walk away (leave me). Save yourself (destroy me).

// _I’m wrong. You’re wrong._ We’re _wrong._ // Yes. (Revelation, realisation. Wrong.) Believe it.

// _Walk away, forget this (forget you), build my life._ // You could do that, make it right, make it good. (Let me remember.)

(What have I done to you, my Harry? Can I change it, make it better?)

Be strong. What you want to do will be wrong.

I made my choice. The only choice. The right choice. Right.

(Wrong.)

***

_From **Great Wizards and Their Lives** , Volume III Chapter Seven: Harry Potter (Severus Snape, Hermione Granger)_

Severus Snape stood in the Death Eater ranks in the final battle against Voldemort, and killed several of them while acting as their ally. Finally, he was distracted by the Cruciatus curse that the Dark Lord cast on Harry Potter, and was killed by an Auror who was unable to distinguish him from the other masked wizards. The shock of his death allowed Harry the strength to break the hold of the curse, and kill Voldemort.

Harry Potter was once more the saviour of the wizarding world, but was sadly driven insane by the death of his bondmate. He was admitted to St. Mungo’s hospital after the battle and remained there until his death twelve years later. He was forty years old.

Their fortunes, along with many others, went to rebuild Hogwarts, of which Hermione Weasley1 was made the new Headmistress.

1see  _Great Wizarding Families:_  Volume VI Chapter Eighteen:Weasley


End file.
